Surrender to Dependence to Intimacy

“ Intimacy begins when we relinquish control of our lives to God"

It is exactly 13 years now since I finished my high school exams. It was not the best of days for me. I had a fractured shoulder with none of my friends around me and sitting in the corner of my room wondering in which police station my bike was held. Unable to communicate and apologise to my dad for the mess I had made and hoping that I will not fail in any of my exams. Sitting in the corner gripped with a sense of fear which I had never experienced before. Wondering how was I going to tackle the people around me and face the situation. How much shame have I brought on my family? Has my life been marred for a life time?

All alone thinking about a friend who just three weeks ago, was playing basketball with me, went to cinema with me having good fun with no worries in life, was now dead, having ended his life by hanging himself leaving a loving mum and dad behind. And thinking about two of my friends again who unable to cope got into drugs and now were spending money on drugs to run away from the situation. Out of 31 in our class how many will actually pass and move on to do university or will the school detain us cause of our behaviour. Will my conduct certificate have a black mark for the mess I had made in school. Having had my own battle against suicide and now wondering what is going on in my life. Thinking I accepted Christ in my life and things should change by now but has it all gone from bad to worse? All thoughts crowding my mind, hoping and wishing there was someway I could go back and change the way things have gone, change the way I acted and reacted.

In retrospect I can see that I had not surrendered any area of my life to Christ, my life did not change a bit, my relationships remained the same, my habits remained the same, my attitude remained the same and I never feared anything not even God. Even though I had accepted Christ into my life there was not a day when I spoke with him , read the word nor took any efforts to change myself. And now when my life was crashing I was wondering “Where is God” . It was all about me, my life, my wishes, my needs and my future. Even now I struggle when there are times when my need becomes bigger than the need round me. How easily I end up working at arriving at having my needs met totally forgetting the fact that there are people out there hurting with a sense of lostness in life. It then strikes me the more I strive to have my need met I forget that it is God who times to provide for my needs.

And 13 years later I have come to grips with the truth that total surrender leads to total dependence which leads/starts the step of intimacy with God. Intimacy with God cannot happen until our dependence on HIM become total. Otherwise it will be more like depending on God when things fail or go wrong. I have been pondering for the last few years what would it feel like to be really intimate with God. Guess at this point I have to admit that even that is a journey in knowing God more and more.

Come every April I think of that time, the time when life was all muddled up. I am ever so grateful to God for just staying close to me and help me step out of the mess. God did at every fall pick me up and he continues to do it faithfully.

“ Intimacy begins when we relinquish control of our lives to God"