What shapes a Parent
Recently I have been silently processing the death of Nabeel
Qureshi, Aged 34 leaving behind his wife and a 2 year old daughter. I have met
Nabeel when he was in Singapore and had no clue what God's plans for him
were. Nabeel shares a lot about how he will not be able to be there for
his daughter when she grows up. The space of "DAD" in the life of the
daughter. The best he could do was a legacy of who he is and what he stood
for.
My heart goes out to all parents who are alive and well but are
yet to be able to play the space of "DAD/MOM" in their daughter’s
life. This is what I have been processing. What shapes a Parent to be a parent?
Does it always have to be a life-threatening disease to bring to light that one
could have done more as a parent.
Recently I was asked a question in a conference on future leaders.
What is one thing that I will share with leaders when they lead future leaders.
I said without a hesitation “ Let us be careful not to shape others as
an outcome of our biases, ambitions and dreams but in the will of what God has
for them”. This takes time, takes
prayer and a commitment not just good intention and responsibility.
I was talking to a young man, father of a 3 year old daughter recently
(don’t want to name him, but have asked his permission to write here) initially
wanted to talk to me about my life as a father and catch up over coffee. As we
started talking I realised that there was more to it, there was a lot of hurt,
un realised dreams on his role as a father. Suddenly he made a statement “ Will
my wife change the way she looks at me as a father to my daughter if the doctor
told her I only had a year to live” . Will that open her eyes to see that she
is not allowing me to be the father in the life of the daughter. I was startled with a huge and a heavy question
set in front of me. I inquired more and it turns out that his wife has had a
very difficult growing up with a lot of abuse, mistrust and a life that was
always poisoned with words. When they had their first daughter the wife took it
on herself to make sure her daughter didn’t have to go through anything like that
and in wanting to do that left the father out (unintentionally) in helping shape
the daughters life together. The only person the daughter was allowed to move
freely was with his wife, even wife’s parents was seen with suspicion. Apparently,
the statement that I shared sparked a fire in his heart that he wanted to share
it with someone and release the burden he had been carrying. He had felt that ever
since the baby was born he was like just a provider not a shaper.
We sat there in silence for a few minutes, I understood what he
felt, I had loads of answers and wanted to share a lot more but I decided in
that quietness its better to let the spirit speak. We prayed together that God
will help them as parents together seek how to train their daughter in the way
she should go. With tears and the only hope being Christ is big enough even in
situations like this, encouraged us to wipe those tears. It has been a while
since I cried with someone.
The bible shares its wisdom -
Proverbs 22:6 King James Version (KJV)
Train up a child in
the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
When I was meditating on it this morning, I initially I felt the
burden of my child turning out to be good, lay on my shoulder. If that’s the
case then the verse should have ended differently. What I got out of it is,
train the child in such a way that the child knows the truth from the scripture
so when he is old he will be wise enough not to depart from it. Now why is this
important.
We can easily, very easily train up the child in the way we want
him/her to grow. I have heard parents tell children that they should not trust
anyone, children should be such and such a way, men are not to be trusted, don’t
let anyone talk to you. The thought process stems from there, the drive to be different
stems from there, the hurt masked by the voracious insistence of how things
should not be done drives a different level of intensity when they see the same
things happen around them.
Like leaders I have had parents share with me their struggles of how their biases about growing up has had a profound way in training their child and not the scriptural base. I firmly believe that this is not about giving children the freedom to go their own ways and not keep them safe where as a parent we should keep them safe. This is about listening to God intentionally about what is the way he would like this child to grow in and providing space and shape for that to happen. This takes time, this takes letting go of own biases growing up, this takes healing of our own past which we tend to throw on our children.
Like leaders I have had parents share with me their struggles of how their biases about growing up has had a profound way in training their child and not the scriptural base. I firmly believe that this is not about giving children the freedom to go their own ways and not keep them safe where as a parent we should keep them safe. This is about listening to God intentionally about what is the way he would like this child to grow in and providing space and shape for that to happen. This takes time, this takes letting go of own biases growing up, this takes healing of our own past which we tend to throw on our children.
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